WEDNESDAY MORNING EDIT: In retrospect, this was the most fun I had on Tuesday night.
Denis Leary and Lenny Clarke came by the NESN broadcast booth for an inning of tonight’s game. It started out smoothly enough — you know, Clarke talking about sex hernias, that sort of thing. Then, as so often happens in baseball, the conversation turned to race a religion.
Denis Leary: Now, Youkilis, is he a Greek kid?
Jerry Remy: No, I don’t think so.
Don Orsillo: I think he’s Jewish.
JR: He’s Jewish, yeah.
Lenny Clarke: Really?
DL: that’s fantastic. That’s one bottle of whiskey away from being Irish Catholic. They got the Manischewitz, we got the Jamesons. It’s the same guilt, the same bad food. That’s fantastic, we got a Jewish first baseman! I didn’t know that. This is fabulous. …I’m so proud to have a Jewish first baseman. i didn’t even know!
LC: I hope Mel Gibson doesn’t come into this park. We’ll run him out of here on a rail.
Jerry Remy begins hacking; it sounds as if he might be on the verge of losing a lung. Sean Casey hits a ball sharply in between first and second. Youkilis snares the ball from his knees and tosses to Curt Schilling for the out.
DL: Nice! Yeah, where’s Mel Gibson now! Where’s Mel Gibson now, huh? He’s in rehab! he’s in rehab and Youkilis has got first base, alright Mel! (Don Orsillo giggles uncontrollably.) You happy Braveheart, huh? You see that grab, Mel? I hope in rehab they’re showing replays of that. A Jewish first baseman makes the play, Mel Gibson! Good luck when you come out. Call Jeffrey Katzenberg and ask for a job when you get out. We’ll have a whole Jewish infield by the time he gets out. Bring back Sandy Koufax, Mel Gibson, huh? Braveheart, my ass. Thatta boy, Kev.
LC: We should have Sandy Koufax pitch at Mel’s head.
DL: That should be his community service, get in the box against Sandy Koufax. Guess who’s at first base? Kevin Youkilis!
LC: Now what other Jewish players are there, because I’m not aware.
JR: Gabe Kapler, I think.
DL: Gabe Kapler! We got two Jews on this team, Mel! Where’s your father now, huh?
LC: How about that, Mel?
DL: Yeah. It feels good to get that out, didn’t it?
LC: We’ve got quite a team.
LC: Are we in trouble?
DL: No, we’re not in trouble. They don’t have TVs in rehab.
LC: Oh, I don’t care about Mel.
Beat.
DO: Um, your website’s here. (Points to computer monitor.)
DL: Oh, wonderful!
DL: That’s learyfirefighters.org, and if you go to the Jeremiah Lucey Fund that will help all the New Orleans firefighters, and if you didn’t know, no firefighters, not a single member of that department quit between the time Katrina hit and right now, a year later, not one member.
LC: That’s right.
Beat.
DL: Boy, I’m so happy about that Kevin Youkilis thing.
LC: And Kapler! I didn’t even know!
DL: Well you know what’s gonna happen, Gibson’s gonna make amends: ‘Oh, I love the Red Sox! I love the first baseman!’ Oh yeah, sure you do. Sure you do Mel.
LC: If I were Youkilis and Kapler I’d say, well, listen, am I in your next movie?
DL: Can we put some blue paint on our faces? Come on, Braveheart, huh? Look, I don’t know Mel. Why are we jumping all over him, you know what i mean? He had a little bit of tequila. You know those days. You were there.
LC: Now wait a minute, I never got personal. I never went with religion.
DL: No you didn’t. You always went with the face and the ugly and the fat and the nice dress and your girlfiend.
LC: It doesn’t matter what religion, you treat me good I’ll treat you better.
DL: That’s right.
Curt Schilling throws to Youkilis to pick Craig Monroe off of first.
DL: Ahhhh! Mel gibson take a look at that!
LC: Mel Gibson, eat your heart out! Youkilis tosses the ball to a fan in the stands. And look at that! The ball went to a fan! That’s more than Mel Gibson’s ever done!
DO: See you later.
DL: Hope we didn’t get you in trouble.
DO: Thanks a lot, guys.
And…scene.
Howls of derisive laughter! How about having Sandy Koufax come back to pitch at Mel’s head and then the Rem Dawg doubling over while hacking up a lung?
You work off some of your community service time by posting the transcript, however, this can only be truly appreciated from the YouTube clip at
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MU0SVXy7DCg
This will be bookmared as a favorite for me along with
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNMx15NOysA
These two clips will keep me from the ledge if, god forbid, the Sox….. (never mind I can’t even think it).
Thanks Seth. I was at the Snow Patrol show at the BofA Pavilion and missed the game. Hadn’t heard of this until checking in on the blog. This is classic. I laughed my ass off.
P.S. Picking up copy number 2 of “The Monster” today (I already bought mine at Royal Books in Acton, MA - sorry I couldn’t make it for the reading/signing back in July…I wanted to) for my 83 year old life long Sox fan uncle. Watching the game with him and my cousin, uncle’s son, tonight. I don’t get to see either much, so I’m bringing my uncle the book.
Leary was the highlight of an otherwise depressing night indeed.. I’m not far behind Eric Wilbur in writing off this year’s Sox. I don’t begrudge Theo’s choices, just coming to accept the fact that the pitching is beyond bad and offense has no clear sparkplug beyond Ortiz.
In an unrelated matter, did anyone happen to watch the way Perlazzo fell asleep at the wheel in NY last night? They’re showing left-handed Byrdak warming in the pen while Perlazzo starts the 7th with right-handed Troy Hawkins to face Cabrera (Switch, but much better Lefty), Damon (Lefty, 10-24 lifetime with 3 HR’s vs. Hawkins before last night), Jeter (Righty), Abreau (Lefty), Giambi (Lefty), and then A-Rod (Righty). The sequence went single, HR, out, triple, walk, out. THEN HE BRINGS IN THE LEFTY Byrdak, to face Cano (Lefty) who doubles home another to put the Yanks up 4-3.
I’m not an O’s fan, but I’ve got to believe he’s been doing boneheaded things like this all year long. Grady Little, this one’s for you.
Do you think Bill Simmons was calling you out in his column today?
“I don’t want to ruin my chances of getting a key to the office next season. So let’s just say that everyone did a swell job and I fully support every moronic decision that was made. Now where’s my key?”
Seems like he’s accusing you of being a yes-man for the team, but I could be reading too much into it. Given that he preceded the above statement with some of the worst analysis this side of WEEI, he shouldn’t be taken seriously in any event.
Shame on me for commenting without actually reading more than the sub-title and the reviews (I honestly just placed my order for both books through Amazon). But it seems to me that unless there is a live action pop-up left field fence inside “Feeding the Monster”, I’m expecting something a little more serious akin to Michael Holley’s “Patriot Reign” than the lighter (and it has its place) pop culture reference guide “Now I Can Die in Peace” by Simmons.
As much as we all have increasingly despaired over the last month, it’s naturally stirred up a lot of legitimate criticism against all facets of the Red Sox (FO/Tito/Players). Getting the keys to the office, whatever that means, probably has little to do with making legitimate criticisms than it does with being personally offensive (not much of a shortage from Simmons with the “you’re a moron” and “you suck” outbursts).
Yet, the bigger gripe with Simmons’ latest column is that unless the E# is 5 or less with more than a week left in the season, calling for Brady and Belicheck right now is bad form. But he gets away with it by throwing in some hope with the reverse jinx angle. Those last lines reflect the true bipolar mind of a Sox fan hoping against impending doom. God bless him and every one of us for surviving each day with this affliction.
For a little more perspective, check out the standings exactly 2 years ago today. 10 games out of the division and tied for the wild card. How did they manage to win a championship from that desperate place?
NESN made YouToob pull the video.
How could you provide a link to his entry on IMDB and still misspell Lenny Clarke’s name?